General Election: 'Ewes your Vote' rural voters told

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The Election is everywhere.

 

You can't turn a corner without seeing David Cameron's shiny Timotei hair, or Gordon Brown's stick on grin. I have even seen Nick Clegg who, it turns out, is the Lib Dem leader (I always thought it was Vince Cable).

 

Turn on the TV. It's Clegg. Turn on the radio. Brown. Look on the internet and I have been sent a mocked up version of Cameron dancing like a leprechaun across my screen.  

 

I love it. I even listened intently to the leader of Plaid Cymru (the party of Wales) on the radio this morning. Amongst other things, Plaid intends to win votes by campaigning for the Welsh flag to be allowed on Welsh number plates. I would vote for them just for that.

 

The election is one long comedy sketch.  

 

It was masterful the way Gordon Brown stone-walled Nick Robinson's repeated attempts last night to get him to repeat his view that the Tories had 'deceived' business leaders over National Insurance. Brown was brilliant and defiant. Using the oldest trick in the book he played deaf and point blank refused to answer the question.

 

Meanwhile David Cameron looked like a school boy as he free-wheeled into the House of Commons on his bike yesterday - although I was aghast to see his helmet swinging from the handlebars and not on his head.

 

I am now waiting for Clegg to re-affirm his GQ comments over how many people he has slept with ('no more than 30' he said at the time). Wow.

 

And what about the Labour billboard campaign with a smarmy looking David Cameron sitting on a red Quattro with the slogan: 'Don't let him take Britain back to the 1980s'.

 

The Tories liked the billboard so much they have adopted it for themselves with a more friendly expression from Cameron and the slogan changed to: 'Fire up the Quattro. It's time for change'.

 

This is great. And it has only just begun.

 

I now want the WAGs (Sam, Miriam and Sarah) to take part in a talent contest which will include modelling swimwear, telling their best joke and revealing a hidden talent.  

 

And don't forget the three pantomime TV debates between the big guys.

 

We have got a whole month of this. Joy. Joy. Joy.

 

But apparently the fever is not catching on. I can't believe it.

 

The most recent YouGov poll found those 'already bored of the election' were way ahead of the Tories - 43% of the population want all politicians to disappear off the face of the earth compared to the 40% who would vote for Cameron.

 

Fearing this apathy, my rural county - Worcestershire - has taken the bull by the horns (or the lamb by its little legs) and launched a new campaign to get people out to vote.

 

Across the county there are pictures of sheep adorning busses, public buildings and notice boards with the slogan "Ewes your Vote". Genius. I expect a 100% turnout in Worcestershire.  

 

I haven't decided who to vote for yet. I am still waiting for all parties to come out with their sign post policies. I will vote for the party that will eradicate signs - a blight on the rural landscape.

 

The sign posts on the way into my local town read: You are nearing the town, you are really near the town, slow down a bit, this road might flood, there is a bend ahead, slow down a bit more, this town is twinned with another town in Slovakia, this town came fourth in garden of the year competition in 1988, you are in the town, you are still in the town, you are leaving the town, you are out of the town, thank you for being in the town, speed up, speed up a bit more, you are approaching the next town etc ad infinitum throughout Great Britain.

 

It's simple.

 

Eradicate signs: Save £6 billion* in sign expenditure and associated work hours (*over an unspecified period of time).

 

Eradicate signs: Add £6 billion to the economy because drivers are less stressed and will be more productive at work.  

 

Eradicate signs: More foreigners will ask us for directions which will help race relations and language learning.

 

Eradicate signs: The countryside looks a whole lot nicer.

 

Eradicate signs: Makes your journey a bit more exciting.   

 

Job done.

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This page contains a single entry by William Surman published on April 8, 2010 3:30 PM.

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